Bonacci, Mary Beth
Real Love
Ignatius Press,
CONTENT
This book is a series of Questions and Answers from meetings and personal consulting sessions held by the author. The primary purpose of the book is to offer a catechesis of the Church's teaching on human sexuality, and to show how chastity is the only way to find real love.
The author explains the difference between real love and enjoyment (pizza love). She quotes from Gaudium et spes to explain love as ‘giving of oneself’; the opposite is to ‘use others for one's own benefit or enjoyment’. She differentiates between ‘wanting what is best for the loved one’ and feeling good by fulfilling one's drives. She sees love in the context of man's higher dignity as an image and likeness of God and infinitely loved by Him.
Much of the value of the book rests on Mary Beth's explanation of the language of sex: ‘sex speaks the language of permanent love and commitment’ (author's italics).
God created sex with its own built-in logic, its own language. And that language is forever. Sex doesn't just say “I take you for a little while” or “I like your body”. Sex says, “I give myself to you forever, and I unite myself to you. I want to join with you and with God in creating, raising and educating children”. Sex speaks the language of marriage.[1]
Outside marriage sex is not an expression of real love, but of selfish feelings: sex outside marriage places couples in high risks: physical (Aids, STD's, etc), emotional (bonding) and spiritual (offence against God).[2]
Chastity is explained in this context. To live chastity is to respect the language of sex (‘the language of permanent, committed, married love’), and as such it is the best way to live, and the only way to find real love.[3] This applies to married people as well as to single people.
Chastity is about love, plain and simple. It's about understanding the role sex plays in love. It's about recognising that sex speaks the language of married love, not “going steady” love or “I am lonely tonight” love.... Chastity is about loving - the right way. In a world with a whole lot of sex and not very much love, I honestly believe that chastity is our only hope.[4]
With these basic principles in mind, the author addresses a number of relevant and current topics, as answers to questions put to her in previous occasions. She deals extensively with situations such as premarital relationships, abortion, adoption, contraception, STD's, teen pregnancy, NFP, living together, divorce, homosexuality, marital chastity, often dedicating several questions/answers to each topic.
A whole chapter is dedicated to the issue of emotional bonding. She explains the biological and psychological reasons for sexual bonding, as well as the implications of such for married and unmarried couples. She explores the effects of sexual bonding on relationships, and on breaking up.
The core of the book's message (‘sex is for marriage; chastity is for everyone’) is developed in chapter 5, Chastity, Sex and Marriage. The author makes use of a number of questions put to her to show that sex doesn't necessarily equate to love; that pre-marital sex, even during the engagement period, is not an expression of real love (because of the physical, emotional and spiritual risks at stake); that married couples need to live chastity just as much as everyone else; that contraception and artificial insemination do not speak the proper language of sex; and that people with homosexual orientation are also called to live chastity by not engaging in homosexual activity.
Chapter 7, Healing the Hurt, deals with the moral and spiritual implications of unchaste behaviour. In this chapter the author spells out clearly her recommendation to rely on supernatural means in order to live a clean life. She explains the difference between chastity and virginity, and how the former is still an option for those who no longer enjoy the latter gift. She illustrates the concept of sin as ‘cutting ourselves off from God and from His graces’, and dwells on the notion of God's mercy and willingness to forgive. The sacrament of Confession plays a prominent role in this discussion, and she refers to it in nearly every question she answers on the topic. In giving advise on the steps to take for ‘starting over’ from unchaste living, she lists the following: 1. Go to confession; 2. Pray (especially Eucharistic and Marian devotion); 3. Have a buddy system; 4. Fill your life with positive love; 5. Develop your talents; 6. Know your limits.[5] Before ending the chapter she deals with ‘sexual addiction’, which she explains in the context of original sin, and also with dangerous situations (such as friendships, drunkenness, etc.) that lead to sexual activity.
A variety of intimate behaviours are discussed on chapter 8 (Walking the Walk): kissing, petting, fantasising, pornography, masturbation, modesty, drinking, sleeping with partner, and so on. The author attempts to answer the question “how far is too far?”, and she gives some guidelines to understand exactly what chastity entails. Her key message is that turning people's affection into passion is not loving:
Is ["turning someone on"] loving someone? Is it looking out for what is best for that person? No. It is more like saying, “I love you so much, I am going to make you want something I am not going to give you”. That is not loving.[6]
Fantasising about sex, masturbation and pornography are shown to be sinful and hurtful because they do not use sex the way it was intended to be. They also have the effects of damaging relationships and leading people towards unchaste behaviour.
Chapter 9 illustrates the difference between men and women in relationships and when it comes to expressing affection. It explains emotional divergence in both sexes, and gives some advice as to how to interpret different behaviour in friends of the opposite sex. The term ‘sexual peak’ is defined to support these apparent differences in behaviour.
The author dedicates the last two chapters to specific groups of people. Chapter 10, entitled Single Survival and aimed primarily at unmarried young adults, deals extensively with such topics as dating, going out, friendships, and breaking up. Whereas chapter 11, entitled it For Teens Only, is explicitly directed to teenagers. It covers difficult situations like teen parenthood, teen dating, peer and Media pressure, dealing with parents.
The book ends with an upbeat Epilogue, in which she acknowledges the difficulties in living chastity, but shows her trust in the good will of the reader, and especially in the power of the supernatural means.
Chastity does not come automatically. As a result of original sin, we are inclined to do things we should not do. Our hearts are not totally corrupt, but neither are they completely pure. As John Paul II says, the human heart is a “battlefield” between love and lust.
The strength to live chastity does not, repeat, does not come from us. It is a gift from God - a gift available to anyone who asks it of Him... I want you to experience joy - the authentic love and joy that Christ was talking about, the joy that comes from following all of His commandments and living our lives according to his instruction manual.[7]
An appendix at the end gives detailed information on Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's): nature and course of the disease, symptoms and prognosis. A second appendix lists American resources and telephone numbers for crisis pregnancy, adoption, counselling, etc. The bibliography is extensive, and books are listed under various headings: chastity, theology & sexuality, homosexuality, NFP, etc.
GENERAL COMMENTS
Real Love is written in modern, dynamic language, addressing the questions with terminology suitable to the particular audience (often teenagers or young single adults).
The questions listed in the book are all genuine, and they vary from naive and simple, to explicit and provocative, to profound and challenging. In her answers, the author shows that she really wants to help the person overcome whatever problem is being raised. Some of the answers are specifically directed to the person asking the question, but can be easily extrapolated to apply to other similar situations.
Repetition is used extensively, with the effect that the key ideas of the book (e.g. sex speaks the language of forever; the importance of the supernatural means; prudence and common sense; real vs. pizza love; the physical, emotional and spiritual risks of sexual activity, etc.) keep coming up in a variety of scenarios and with different emphases.
However, as a consequence of the above, the organisation of the questions into the various chapters is at times arbitrary, making it somewhat difficult to locate specific material. A subject index would have helped to refer to answers on specific questions.
There are several instances of light humour, and the language used throughout is lively and direct. Unlike in her other book, We're on a mission from God, here the author uses more standard English, with less reference to American jargon or US programmes, and it is less hyped up. A European reader will easily appreciate most of the examples and analogies used.
This book is particularly suitable to young adults (in College or young professionals), but it could also be read by teenagers (+15), especially if they are already going out with friends of the opposite sex. The chapter on Teenagers is very suitable for this group, but it probably needs to be complemented by some of the material in previous chapters (especially 1, 2 and 8). The book should be particularly useful to youth leaders and spiritual directors, who are often confronted with questions similar to those asked to the author.
The material is well researched, and she makes use of relevant (infrequent) statistics to get some points across (e.g. ineffectiveness of artificial contraception, spreading of STD's, teen pregnancy, etc.)
The principles discussed in the book are faithful to the teachings of the Catholic Church on sexuality and marriage. The key doctrinal points are explained in an accessible and attractive manner, even within the context of a specific tricky issue being discussed. For instance, in the context of divorce, she writes:
The Church doesn't make up power. She only has the power that God gives to her. So the Church isn't saying “We won't give divorces”. She is saying, “We can't. God didn't give us the power to take apart what He puts together”.[8]
Another indication of her orthodoxy is the reference material used. The author quotes from the Gospels, from Gaudium et spes and from John Paul II; she refers to other Catholic writes, such as Janet Smith, William May, Prof. Jerome Lejeune, Fr. Cormac Burke.
L.L. (1999)
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